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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A Long Time Coming

I've been tired lately.  Sick and tired, tired and sick.  Although, not flu sick.  These symptoms that have been plaguing me for awhile.  And I'm tired of them.  I've come a through a long journey of why? Why must I suffer? Why must we suffer? There are answers, I've found and questions still puzzling me. I feel as though I've come so far yet I am still living in a haze.  A haze I want to wake up from.  My desire is for today. Today, I want to find clarity.

  If you don't already know, I've been struggling for four years with debilitating headaches, pain on my right side, and IBS.  It came on strong after the birth of my third child, Manny. You wouldn't know it to look at me, I'm only 29.  Sooo young, as many say.  Too young to be in pain all the time. Honestly, I am embarrassed by it. So when I'm in pain, I seclude myself to the safety of my home.  But when I am well, I like to leave the pain behind and go out and about to socialize.  Truly, I don't like to dwell on this area of my life I like to live!

  Over the past year and a half I've found some strategies to help reduce my pain, so I don't fear it anymore.  This has been so freeing!  Before when the pain would come on I would panic.  It can be overwhelming when there simply is nothing you can do but wait for the excruciating pain to pass.  Especially when It can take days.  I have three kids needing me, and a husband who is often traveling abroad for work.  My responsibility for my family can be overwhelming at times.  Too much to bear.  But I have to be 'tough'. I love them so much, and in return they love and adore me.  So I venture on through the pain, ever looking for ways to heal, while keeping things together.

  I've started researching ways to free myself of the pain naturally.  I was willing to try anything especially since the traditional health care route was not working for me.  After enduring 3  full rounds of physiotherapy sessions, regular massage therapist visits, chiropractic care, as well as seeing my family doctor with minimal relief. I figured it was time to look elsewhere.

  I have found relief from books (Pain free By Peter Egogoscue), Natural healing methods like Emotional freedom technique, and body talk have helped me take baby steps into the healing process.  These are things I would have never tried earlier in my life! Too hoakey! But amazingly they have had more effect than the traditional methods. I believe it is because they focus more on the whole body, rather than just the symptoms.

  Allowing God take the ropes in my life has most definitely helped.  It's been a mind, body, soul, healing experience. I am learning how the mind, body, and soul, are so delicately intertwined. One weaves into the other, and to fix one thing you have to value the intricate work as a whole. Symptoms, I would say, are the way our body conveys it's needs. I have been putting all my eggs into one basket, valuing the needs and opinions of others. But I am hearing a new call to value - "My needs". I need to value my differences, and sensitivities.


  I'm replenishing my soul with truths, dispelling the lies that have crippled life for me over the years.  I can feel the layers slowly peeling back.  The ones that have been consuming me, suffocating my very essence.  Under all those layers is me. The real deal. Fresh and new. Gloriously made by the hands of God. Something I would have never allowed myself to believe before. Pu-shaw!, me gloriously made? But it's true, and it is for everyone too! We have all piled on this 'stuff' that is snuffing out that very being God has especially designed each one of us to be. It is our differences that make us glorious! Why do we try so hard to be the same? To fit in? When our very own personal beauty comes from our uniqueness.

  This newfound joy I've got is bleeding into all areas of my life. I'm enjoy the little things that I used to take for granted before the pain.  Food, a weekend away with my hubby, friendships. The ability to be on my feet more. And now that the pain is dulling I have awoken to smoldered senses, and strained concentration.  Something I am eager to undress myself of.


  I can see the light now.  Something I wouldn't have said last year.  I feel as though I'm half-way there.  Half way to complete freedom. So close, yet so far away.

  There are some things I will reluctantly admit about myself.   I am proud, what can I say?   I would like to perceive myself as tough.  But the truth is, I am a sensitive person.  My feelings get hurt easily.  My body handles change with swift reactivity.  My skin is even sensitive! No nice smelly creams and washes for me, or else I will be punished by the 'burning', a sensation that can last for hours.  All in all I'm a sensitive girl.  So I've been conversing with God lately.  Talking about the pros and cons to my scenario.  God is slowly directing my attention to these sensitivities I have.  What is it worth? He says.

What change is worth the price to be symptoms free?

  What price would I be willing to pay to regain the vitality of my youth?  What lengths would I go to? MMmmmmm that's a tough question.  I've been sitting on the fence thinking about it.  There are things that I know I'm sensitive to, like Coffee for example.  I Love Coffee!  Please God don't make me give up coffee!

  There are fears I hold like the boldness to cross social norms. I want to be able to eat what everyone else is eating.  I fear that if I change how I eat I will not be 'normal' (And I want to be normal, I really do, but then again who is normal?).

  Then there are strange memories that just don't make sense.  Like the time Victor made his typical Saturday morning pancakes and bacon for breakfast and I bawled my eyes out.

"Why do you make this every Saturday when you know it makes me sick???"  Sob, sob....

  Most people are grateful for pancakes for breakfast! I do like pancakes. It's a strange memory really, that has been playing in my mind. Why would I cry over pancakes?

  Because, when I eat pancakes for breakfast I feel weak and hazy. Not a normal response to eating pancakes! God has made me sensitive.  So what's a girl to do about it?  I have been ignoring my needs for quite awhile.  As a mother and a wife and a neighbor and a daughter....My needs have been pushed to the wayside.  That 'tough' me has barged through, denying my weaknesses. Saying "I can do it all!"  But I can't.

  In my weakness I am finding out who I truly am.  I am dwelling on whom God made me to be and not what everyone wants me to be.  And you know what?  I'm finding freedom!  I can feel it being unleashed here and now!

  So like I said, my sensitivities have been rolling around in my mind. 


Coffee, flour, sugar. Oh, no.
Coffee, flour, sugar, oh no!
Coffee, flour, sugar, OH NO!


Is it worth the price?


  Can denying these foods buy the clarity I'm seeking? I don't know. But, I'm jumping off the fence in pursuit of my dream.  I'm dreaming of that sparkle returning to my eye.  The clarity re-establishing control.  I'm dreaming of redeeming a life that was once lost to pain.   I'm envisioning being pain free, and clear minded.   Oh boy, I'm taking the jump! Feet first.  Is it worth it? Only time will tell.  Coffee, Flour, Sugar....Bye Bye.  I will miss you.  See you again?  Maybe, then again maybe not.  Am I committing to this forever?  No, I'll start one step at a time.  The first step is a small three month commitment. Baby steps towards my journey to symptomsbegoneland.  I'll keep you posted on my findings.


Take care!


X


















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